Peanut butter blues

The first time I saw talking dogs on TV I thought, why is that dog eating peanut butter? Then I wondered, if dogs can learn to talk, can humans learn to sniff?

Today the digital age has retired peanut butter, and dogs talk courtesy of computer enhancement. And, thank god, humans never learned to sniff. There are some places human noses shouldn't go.

But as cute as the first dogs were when they tried to get the peanut butter off the roof of their mouth, the next 5,000, along with the raccoons, pigs, horses, donkeys, fish and other reptiles and mammals, were not.

I'm really tired of the whole talking animal thing. It's demeaning and nobody's listening to what the dogs are saying -- just that they are saying something. Kind of like when we go to Washington to try to get more funding for arthritis. They listen to us, and they see us in our various states of physical disrepair, and emotional suffering, but they don't hear what we're saying. We might as well be dogs eating peanut butter.

If dogs could really talk, I wouldn't waste words selling consumer goods on TV - after I became rich selling consumer goods on TV that is.

After I became rich doing commercials, If I could talk, I'd say something evil to an evil person and something nice to a nice person. I know I'm supposed to say something nice to everyone, but hey, I haven't been talking long enough to get honorable about it. And I'm a cranky dog with arthritis.

I'd realize that a lot of what I say admits the control others have over me, and I'd stop saying words that prove this point.

I'd lie to feel the rush of deception.

I'd say words that make me cry with joy.

I'd say words that make others cry with joy.

I'd try not to use my voice as a weapon.

I'd only talk to people who were listening to me.

And, I'd only listen to people who were talking to me.

I'd tell my caretaker to wash my feet more often.

I'd ask myself what is my fault and what is not, and when I had a list of what is my fault, I'd ask someone else to tell me if the list is true. And I wouldn't mind it if that person eliminated half the items on the list that I thought were my fault, but actually aren't.

If I could talk I'd forgive myself for the things that are my fault and I'd forgive the rest of the world for the things that are their fault.

If I could talk, I'd have conversations with other dogs, and instead of waiting for my turn to talk, I'd actually listen to what they are saying. Then I'd talk.

But until I can talk, I'll have to bark and bite. And occasionally fool someone by eating peanut butter.