SUVs, the Workplace, and Ketchup

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

My husband wants to buy a Ford Expedition -- one of those mondo SUV things. I have had a knee and hip replacement, and I'm not about to go hoisting myself into this airship with wheels. What can I do to convince him to get something sensible? And did I mention that he is a selfish, uncaring lout?

-Creakyjointed passenger

Dear Creaky,

I am sorry to hear that your husband is, as you say, a "lout". But perhaps we should employ pragmatism and deal with one character flaw at a time. To begin: his partiality towards sport-utility vehicles, for this appears to be the most easily remedied.

Ms. Meniscus struggles to comprehend our nation's affinity for all-things-gargantuan -- I had a difficult enough time back in 1997 with those so-called "economy sized" barrels of ketchup. But alas, there is still hope for those of us who prefer life's more petite offerings. Amongst the clutter of SUV adverts on the television, you will find a panoply of blurbs for smaller cars that suits your arthritic needs. However, Ms. Meniscus suspects the problem lies not in test-driving the perfect car, but in putting the breaks on your inconsiderate husband.

Might I recommend a sincere heart-to-heart between you and your man? It is often difficult for arthritis-free folks to fully appreciate the troubles of those with the disease. He may be at times "selfish" and "uncaring," but Ms. Meniscus knows quite well that we all fall prey to occasional bouts of solipsism. So have a talk with him. Some consider the new VW Bug to be quite manly.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I have arthritis, so when I am working at the office, I need to take a break every 30 minutes or so to stretch and walk around. Normally, this does not cause any problems, but if I am in the middle of a meeting, my "7th inning stretch" often disrupts conversations and causes people to look at me like I'm nuts. In addition, due to the side effects of my medication, I need to keep my stomach full by eating several times a day. This, too, makes me feel uncomfortable, for I often must eat at "inappropriate" times, such as at meetings. What can I do to bring less attention to my strange habits? This is really causing me to stress out.

-Conspicuous Nibbler

Dear C.N.,

It appears that you are asking me how to conceal your arthritic condition at the workplace, rather than dealing with it in a frank and professional manner. Instead, I urge you to bring clarity to the issue. Though Ms. Meniscus is not advising you broadcast your situation to the entire office (as your illness is your personal business), I am suggesting that you inform your boss that you are sick and explain to him/her why the occasional stretch or snacktime is crucial to your performance in the office. Your behaviors at work do not warrant the stares or suspicions of your co-workers, and a private briefing with your boss will help alleviate your unease.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I am writing in hopes that you could offer me some advice. I am 45-year-old single mother with a 16-year-old daughter. She is starting to show a greater interest in boys than in prior years, and I don't know how to deal with issues involving dating, sex, and pregnancy. Is there anything you recommend I do to help her through this time?

-Reticent Mother

Dear Reticent,

Ms. Meniscus senses that your daughter knows more about sex than you would believe. But put that chastity belt away -- this is no cause for alarm! Though the more conservative citizens may feel otherwise, it is my opinion that knowledge and awareness provides more protection for our children than does ignorance and sheltering. So, no, do not dress your daughter in a burlap sack and assign her a 7:00 p.m. curfew. Instead, create between you and your child an open atmosphere so that she does not feel inhibited from talking taboos with you. Ms. Meniscus is confident that this will foster a soaring sense of empowerment and responsibility within your daughter.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

My wife is out of control. We have had a Jeep Grand Cherokee for three years, and she will not drive anything else. (She calls it the "great equalizer" for women.) Now she wants to buy a Ford Expedition -- two times the size of the Jeep, at least. I can deal with her runaway delusions of asphalt superiority, but I have RA and getting into an Expedition on a regular basis is very difficult for me. I think she is being selfish and inconsiderate. How can I convince her to drop down to a smaller car?

-Frustrated Hubby

Dear Mr. Hubby,

Hmm. This sounds strangely familiar.

Normally, Ms. Meniscus would suggest an irenic powwow between you and your gas-guzzling wife (see above). One would hope that after a calming discussion between "Friends" and "Will & Grace", the two of you would arrive at an agreeable concensus. But as I continue to read letter after self-righteous letter from arthritic spouses, I am starting to reconsider my usually applicable advice. And so, Ms. Meniscus will temporarily abandon her column's diplomatic mien and advise that you just buy your own car. Do some research on ergonomic four-doors; splurge on power-locks and --windows; pick a color that you want. But for Heaven's sake, stay away from that awful avocado green. Leave that to your dernier cri-dependent wife.

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