Porn, Funerals, and Puppy Dogs!

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I recently caught my teenaged son looking at pornography from the Internet on our family computer. I do not tolerate this sort of behavior - especially on a computer used by the entire household - and so I approached my son about it a few days later. He denied it at first, but then admitted to it after I showed him the computer's "history" folder. Though I'm concerned about his surfing for porn, I'm also upset that he lied to me. What should I do about the porn, and what should I do about his dishonesty?

-Concerned Mom

Dear Mom,

The Internet's porno profusion is obscene, yes, but admittedly immutable. There is no way to slay this monster, I'm afraid - though an arsenal of family-friendly censor programs are at your disposal. As for his lie: Whether it was truly "dishonesty" or simply an embarrassed refutation is, I suppose, a matter of semantics. But keep in mind that relentlessly scolding him for lying will most likely drive him to recidivism; he'll resent you for not trusting him and try even harder to conceal his illicit online activity in the future. Instead, communicate with him and assure him that honesty is not to be feared. (Also move the computer to the kitchen or some other high-traffic area in the house. You'll see those naughty photos of Stockard Channing disappear from the "history" folder in no time!)

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

A few days ago, I attended the wake of my husband's co-worker. Most people approached the bereaved and offered them the most empty, clichéd sentiments I've heard in a long while. What, then, would be the appropriate thing to say to those in mourning?

-Mournfully Confused

Dear Confused,

In this brand of scenario, less is more. Any attempt at pathos would appear tasteless and rather insincere. Instead, offer a simple "I'm sorry for your loss. I'm very sorry." This pithy comment is succinct and ensures that you do not offensively grope the emotions of the bereaved. The idea that one could remedy someone of inconceivable pain by reciting a Hallmark card is absurd. It is far better to offer a warm hug and respectfully step aside.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I'm 14 and have RA. We're moving from Wisconsin to Ohio and I can't take my dog. He's about the only friend I have right now and I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He's a big outside dog and we're moving to an apartment where they don't allow pets. It's bad enough for me, but I have no idea where he's going to go and if he'll be ok.

-Best Friendless

Dear Friendless,

You poor bloke! The move from bucolic Wisconsin to metropolitan Ohio is sure to be a taxing one - and I imagine the expatriation of Fido is not going to assuage the situation. But remember: Fido needs the buttes of Wis. on which to frolic! I'm afraid that liberty is unavailable at your new Ohio flat. Think in the interests of the dog and ask your parents to find him a loving home in your absence. Perhaps you know a friend that would take good care of him. Believe me. The dog will be OK, and so will you! You'll enter Ohio with glorious resilience. And as you cultivate friend upon friend, you will think back and thank your erstwhile puppy for providing you with such sturdy moral and social framework. Good luck, and bon voyage!

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