Former Lives, Nausea, and Family

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I've lived happily with my boyfriend for a year, and we plan on getting married in the spring. But there's something about me that I just don't want to confide in him: my past. It has taken me ages to forgive myself for what I've done in my "former life," and I can only imagine the number of years it would take for my boyfriend's forgiveness. As his fiance, am I obliged to tell him? Or should I let this one secret of mine remain in the closet where it belongs?

-Pandora

Dear Pandora,

he story of a woman with a secret and sordid past would make for a tolerable Lifetime Original Movie, but I would advise you to leave that role to Gates McFadden. After all, disastrous Nielsen ratings are forgiven in time, but your erstwhile stint as "Sensual Pool Cleaner to the Stars" is a virtually inexpiable offense. Granted, we all experience a lapse in orientation on the Road of Life, and it is marvelous that you've placed your mistakes behind you. In doing so, realize that past is past and your husband-to-be is entitled only to the present and beyond.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

In a far away galaxy, I once dated this guy. Let's just say it was a regrettable experience. Recently, he called me on the phone and asked me to dinner "as friends." I decided to go, and since then, he's been calling all the time and asking me to do stuff. I'd be more than happy to be friends with him, but the problem is that he makes me sick. Seriously. The thought of him calling is enough to make me vomit. I can't really explain it. Should I still try to be friends with him, or should I just forget it?

-JUST Friends

Dear J.F.,

Judging from the tone of your letter, it appears that these are not butterflies in your tummy, but an intense and immutable hatred of this man. If he makes you uncomfortable, then you have no obligation to befriend him. I'm sorry, darling, but Pepto Bismol is reserved for upset stomachs, not friendships.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I'm the mother of two kids - ages 4 and 8 - and I work full-time as a paralegal. My husband has arthritis and is on worker's compensation because of his flares. He cannot be left alone with the kids because he is physically unable to care for them, but at the same time, he feels like he is missing out on their childhood. What do I do to help? I cannot quit my job, but I want to help my husband feel and act like he's not really disabled.

-Perplexed Paralegal

Dear Perplexed Paralegal,

You say that he cannot take care of the children alone during the day. I assume, then, that you've hired a nanny of some sort. (If not, then you should.) Allow your husband to have an active role in choosing the nanny; he (and of course the children) will be interacting with him or her while you are at work. In the interim, make an effort to be free on weekends. Plan activities that engage the entire family. And try to have dinner together as often as possible. Talk with your husband and make the effort together.

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