Fair Weather Boyfriends, Platonic Husbands, and Critical Couples

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

My boyfriend completely changes his attitude when he's around his friends.Ê He turns into a complete JERK(to be nice).Ê Then when I get upset he blows up at me and tells me maybe it's not him but it's me.Ê I also have trouble trusting him because he has cheated numerous times but always says he won't do it again.Ê of course I believe him and take him back and things just repeat.Ê I love him with all my heart and can't picture myself without him, but I can't have him treat me like a piece of meat.Ê What can I do to make things work out...or is there even any hope?

-Used in Uniontown

Dear Used in Uniontown,

Dear, as we know from "The Facts of Life" theme song, "ya take the good/ ya take the bad/ ya take them both/ and there ya have/ the facts of life, the facts of life." Life is not always easy or straightforward, and many a duck has fallen in love with the wrong mallard from the other side of the creek. But if your relationship with this fellow ends up taking a LOT of the bad, rather than the good, as you've observed, then that's telling you something. Fact of life: if he's mean to you when he's around his friends, that's not cool. Fact of life: if he cheats on you at all, let alone numerous times, that's not cool. Fact of life: It doesn't look like he's going to reform anytime immediately, so you shouldn't be holding your breath. You need to get some distance from this undesirable, and sashay on down the line--or creek. As the song continues, "There's a time you gotta go and show/ you're growin' now/ you know about/ the facts of life, the facts of life..." Sing it, honey!

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I have been known for dating older guys, but not as old as i am dating now. He was a co-worker of mine (55) and i'm 20 he takes care of me and my two children without ever being kissed, hugged, or seduced. I would not say we're dating but everyone else does. My parents love him and so does the rest of my family and friends, to add another dillema he is white and I'm black. I met his parents and son who is 30 something and they love me also. I wouldn't mind marrying him like he asked but i'm worried about the sex. I would hate to marry someone and then know deep in my mind that i might cheat on him with someone younger. What do you suggest I do?

-Apathetic in Anaheim

Dear Apathetic in Anaheim,

Have you seen "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes," in which Marilyn Monroe's character pursues an older, unappealing man ("Piggy") for his money? Well, specifically, she's after his wife's diamond tiara, which she does indeed obtain. Ultimately, it takes a number of pretty intense song and dance numbers with Monroe and Jane Russell, to counteract the offensiveness of the gold digging theme. Ms. Meniscus is not saying that your quandary has anything to do with money, but your situation seems similar in that you do not profess love for this gentleman, or even great friendship. You note that he takes care of you and your children, that your parents and friends love him, that his parents and son love you. Nowhere in that register do you mention that *you* love *him*, or vice versa, really.Ê And you note that you wouldn't describe your relationship as anything other than platonic. A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but if you're already worrying about infidelity and you haven't even been to the altar, Ms. Meniscus suggests that you think hard about making a commitment with this person. Though he appears to be a Richie Cunningham type from "Happy Days," maybe that type is not for you if you'll need to seek satisfaction outside the marriage. Ideally, avoid marrying someone just because you "don't mind" the person that much.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

We used to be very friendly with a couple that we met a couple of years ago.Ê There was much socializing and visiting.Ê Over the past year and a half, things have been chilly between us.Ê Even though we still meet, the meetings have lost their warmth.Ê I somethimes feel snubbed and ignored at their parties.Ê I think the problem came when my husband did not dance at their new years party (he's shy about dancing in public) and he has never joined in having a drink with them when we socialize in a group(we don't drink at all).Ê My husband is otherwise very gregarious in nature and gets along very well with people in general.Ê It's as if a wall has gone up and we have felt it at their parties or other get-togethers.Ê |The woman was definitely friendlier and more open towards me, now she seems distant and her remarks are more negative than friendly. On seeing a picture of us in an affectionate pose she said it was hard to imagine my husband being affectionate!Ê Another example, I sent her

an email thanking her for her nice pary and complimenting her on her home improvements and her reply was that I was welcome and that I should fatten up my baby because he's not chubby enough-something she said at the party as well.| The man acts in a snooty manner towards my husband and seems to ignore me where once he behaved with friendly affection.Ê I have thought of talking to her about it but there are long lapses of time between meetings and phone calls(made usually by me) and I feel funny bringing up a serious topic when we haven't talked for weeks.Ê My husband says we should stop socializing with them and that I should not worry about inconsiderate people.Ê I feel we have to get along with them since 5 or 6 of us couples socialize in a group.Ê |I don't understand why they snub us and are very nice to the others, especially this one other couple.Ê In the past they would frequently invite us over for dessert in the evenings, now it seems that they invite this other couple instead.Ê At a recent get-together, it was obvious how

they greeted the other couple much more warmly then they did us.Ê The man hardly talked to me other than to ask me how my new baby was.|I guess what I would really like to understand is why it bothers me so much and why can't I move on instead of fixating on it and analyzing each meeting.

-Criticized in Coudersport

Dear Criticized in Coudersport,

There are multiple issues at stake, here, which combined contribute to whether a friendship is copacetic and rewarding. One issue that is clearly problematic is the rude behavior you have perceived this couple to engage in, over and over again. The wife's little jabs at you are nasty and unpleasant, and Ms. Meniscus encourages you to either fight back or walk away. Whichever option you choose, please don't allow yourself to play the submissive role, to always be on the receiving end of her criticisms. If she comments on the fictionalized shortcomings of your husband's social status or your baby's weight, note to her that you're sorry that she seems to be unhappy with her life and must resort to criticizing others to make herself feel better. Or that at least your husband isn't as garrulous as hers, or that at least your baby isn't as overweight as her mother-in-law (these last refutations should be read with humor and a few grains of salt). You're clearly an intelligent woman who recognizes and registers social codes, even if subtle. The trick is crediting yourself for that talent without taking others' needling to heart. Easier to say than do, Ms. Meniscus acknowledges, but put on your boxing gloves and all those jabs will bounce right off.

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