Porn, "Players" and Older men

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

My husband has been looking at porn on the Internet and is not interested in me. HELP!

-Triple Vexed

Dear Vexed,

Oh, how I long for the days when just a beguiling ankle that winked from beneath a brimming hoopskirt could send men to their knees. Now it takes a rhinestone-encrusted thong and cyclopean breasts just to get a guy to tell you the time. To prove my point, I donned a sparkling g-string on my way into the public library, and believe me, I got a load of stares. Had I been wearing pants, the attention granted to me by my fellow bookworms would not have been nearly as generous.

Which, disturbingly, brings me to my point: Like so many other men, your husband has become tempted by something he can't have. But unlike a flashy pair of legs in heels that walk away as quickly as they arrive, and thereby distract a man for only a brief moment, the Internet offers an endless web of sex and smut that is sure to ensnarl your husband if you don't put a stop to it. First step: Confront him about it! If he continues to salaciously surf the World Wide Web, proceed to my next step: Get professional help. His penchant for porn may be more an addiction than a habit, in which case forcing him to log off is beyond your control.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

My boyfriend just broke up with me. He had a day planned to dump me. He thinks he is a true "player." I just hate him. I want to get back at him but I don't know to do. What should I do?

-Revenge Becomes Her

Dear Revenge,

You have a number of options, my dear. Why not slash his tires? Or throw an egg at his front door? Or unearth his daylilies? There is a recurring theme here: the senseless yet undeniably fulfilling destruction of personal property. It is a good way to displace your anger, but it's also a good way to land in jail.

It pains me to say that exacting revenge on your ex-boyfriend is not in the cards for you. Instead, you need to be proactive, not reactive; run a few laps, meet up with some friends, see a movie. Do anything (well, almost anything) that will keep your mind off the breakup. After all, the last thing you want to be is the bitter, retaliatory ex.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I had a mad crush on this guy since the first day I saw him around 8 months ago. I would see him from time to time. The problem is that he is 14 years older than I am. He also has a child and lives with the mother. He asks me out and although I know it's only for fun, I'm hesitant to say yes. I am only 17 and need some advice as to what to do. Date or not?

-Not-so-young Love

Dear Not-so-young,

My goddess, where do I begin? I could remind you that, according to my calculations, this man is 31 and that you aren't even old enough to buy cigarettes. Or I could reiterate that he has a child. And did I mention that he is living with the mother of his kid, who could quite possibly be his wife, as well? Unless you're a television producer searching for the dysfunctional cast of a new reality show, this isn't exactly a match made in heaven.

Though Ms. Meniscus is well acquainted with the bewitching charms of older men, I strongly urge you to steer clear of this unexplored (and inadvisable) territory. Why not call up the high school football quarterback? He is presumably without child, and at least he's a card-carrying member of your generation.

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