Coping with boyfriends -- the adulterous, the older and the ex

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I have been dating a man for almost two years. He says he lives with his aunt. He has never brought me to his house. He did give me his address. There is a big gate surrounding the building so I cannot get to his door. I only came to his house two times, both by surprise. The first time, I showed up, blowing my horn in front, and he came out and asked me to park around the block. The second time, his car was there but he wouldn't come out. He later said he was not home, but I believe he was. I am desperate to find out if he really lives with his aunt. He only has a cell phone, no home phone. I have mailed romantic letters with hearts all over the envelope hoping if he does live with someone else, she'd find out. But nothing really happened. Should I demand entry to set my mind at ease?

-Breaking and Entering

Dear Breaking,

Your letter poses a riddle insurmountable even to me, an admittedly unqualified but nonetheless capable advice columnist. What sort of secret could your boyfriend be harboring behind closed doors? Is this "aunt" he speaks of really just a handy moniker for some back-alley houseguest, conceivably a Cambodian warlord he keeps ensconced in the basement? Or maybe no such houseguest exists at all; perhaps he has fashioned the fable of an "aunt" to deter you from entering his immaculately kept home and disrupting the arrangement of his Precious Moments figurines. The man has privacy issues! Of course!

Or - this could be a stretch - maybe he is married and doesn't want you to share what would surely be an awkward encounter with his not-so-beloved wife. That would explain a lot, wouldn't it? Gee, the lengths to which we avoid facing the obvious are astounding.

Please take no offense, but you are clearly dating a married man. This relationship is not appropriate and needs to end forthwith. You have my advice, now do with it what you will.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I am so confused. My ex and I went to my other ex's surprise birthday party. My ex and I had started getting tired around 3 a.m. and we went to bed. I laid down and then he laid down and we kissed. He made the first move by kissing me and I kissed him back. But the thing is, I asked him if he thought we would ever go back out and he said no. I still really like him and we flirt all the time. I tell him every thing and he comforts me and helps me. But I don't know if he still likes me or not. I don't know what to think. Will you please help me?

-Case of the ex

Dear Case,

They say a fun-filled evening with friends, food and libations stirs the senses. In your particular case, I suppose it served only to stir your loins. But adulterous indiscretions aside, the fact of the matter remains that you have requested my advice on this matter, and as an advice columnist, I am endowed with the responsibility to provide an answer. So let us begin.

It pains me to say this "rekindling of an old flame" was but a one-night performance of which there will likely be no encore. Of course, given the absence of a crystal ball, I cannot say with absolute certainty that the curtains have fallen upon this relationship for good. But it seems prudent to assume so. That said, I encourage you to abandon hope of dating your ex-boyfriend, as a misconceived fling does not a relationship make.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I am 24 years old and recently met an older man who in appearances did not seem to be more than 5-7 years older than me. Perhaps being of a different race (Chinese, and I am white) made his age more difficult to discern upon meeting him. Yesterday I found out he is 41, and he found out how old I am, resulting in collective disappointed sighs. He is a very kind and intelligent person and we have a lot in common (are both teachers), but I am so afraid of what might go wrong. I have always shunned relationships where there is such an extreme age difference, thinking that the older person is either having a mid-life crisis, or is only interested in the transient physical aspects of the younger person, who in most of the relationships I have seen is a women with much less education and social status than the man. While this person is more educated than I am, I don't feel that he is trying to take advantage o f me in any way, and even feel that our conversations sort of defy the age difference- we are able to relate quite well about a number of topics. Because this person was a refugee their schooling was delayed by some years and so this may contribute to their youthful outlook. He is very intelligent, a published author, and a professor. I admire his values and ideas very much, he is very handsome, and most of all, he just seems so much younger! But there are so many unknowns and I would welcome any advice from someone who has had experience dealing with a significant age difference in their relationship. I grew up in a conservative home and my values are coming into conflict with my heart. What is your advice?

-- Young and Restless

Dear Restless,

Generally speaking, I look down upon cross-generational romances with a critical if not disapproving eye. Such relationships tend to be derivative of a young person's precocious longing for emotional maturity, an older person's sad attempt at juvenescence, or a toxic cocktail of the two. There are instances, however, when an age gap is, for whatever reason, perfectly admissible. Your relationship seems to be such a case.

I encourage you to view your boyfriend's "seniority" with the same ho-hum indifference one might afford to a person's hair color, shoe size or some other irrelevant detail. From what I can tell, you guys have something good, and that is simply not worth questioning. Good luck!

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