A Question of Priorities

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

My boyfriend called me one day from work and said that he hurt his back and that he wasn't coming to see me. He said that he was going to take some pain pills and go to bed. He said if I called and he didn't answer the phone not to worry he was just a sleep. This went on for 2 nights, and when I called he didn't answer or return my calls. The way that he acts towards me has changed like he doesn't even want me to touch him. It's been 6 weeks since we have made love. I think that he could be seeing the woman where he stops to get his breakfast of a morning. I don't know what to do or what to think. I need advice.

-Good for Lunch

Dear Good for Lunch,

It sounds to Ms. Meniscus as if your boyfriend is rather odd and knows not how to comport himself in matters of love and war. Using the bizarre excuse of being incommunicado due to painkillers, in addition to his radical change in behavior, should tell you that his heart is not all there in the relationship. In fact, it doesn't seem to be present at all. If you are in love with him and think that this chap is worth saving, then please do speak with him directly and bluntly, albeit tactfully, about his sudden disinterest in you. If he prefers the "morning croissant and jam" to your daily sustenance, then you should start cooking for someone else (and have that someone cook for you in return!).

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I was dating the most amazing individual under the earthly sun. Sweet and attentive is not the word. He epitomized all the qualities I have ever respected in a human being, gentle and kind, intelligent, filled with humor...somewhat of a hermit and not too keen on people and their ways [which suited me fine as I have not been treated very well by people and was content to spend the majority of my time with him...my best friend]...the list is endless. But when I met him I had a ticket booked for Europe. I met him by chance, he was a friend of my brothers, and the only reason I really booked the ticket to Europe in the first place was due to the fact that my vehicle was stolen, and here in South Africa one cannot survive without a vehicle, as the public transportation is shocking. But we were really close; it was like we had known each other for years. As the bond between us deepened it was as if our relationship had been accelerated in a sense. We grew attached to a greater degree than I could have ever imagined, in such a short space of time. My family urged me to push him for some kind of deeper commitment since I was sacrificing my dreams of traveling around Europe [which he had already done] and we became engaged as a consequence. But then came the nitty gritty of planning a wedding, and the contractual stress of marriage, which resulted in additional stress as I was/am not as financially stable as he was/is [he had saved a substantial amount of money in his overseas travels where he worked as a systems architect in Scandinavia and Great Britain]. And I put him through an emotional torture in an unstable environment that I don't think he had ever before experienced. And now he has bid our relationship adieu...and is remaining strong and adamant that it is over. I just want to know how it is possible to turn off ones' emotions like that... to walk away...not answer the phone...turn a blind eye to another's strife and anguish after sharing such moments...especially since we were so close...despite the occasional tiffs...we spent one night away from each other in the space of 11 months. I acted immaturely and have seen the errors of my ways...|If I could do anything, say anything, give up anything, I would...to get him back. Pathetic as it may be... I really cannot imagine my life without him as he is so far engrained under my skin it is scary. I have been in enough relationships to know when it is real...when I am truly in love...when I am committed. And I don't want to give this one up? Any advice?

-Cold Cheek

Dear Cold Cheek,

What is difficult in long-term relationships is so often that the give and take is not equal. One gives too much, the other taketh too much. And so it continues, without the cup doth brimmeth over. It seems that you experienced this with your former partner, and potential husband, although Ms. Meniscus has some questions for you that might accentuate the nature of your predicament. You characterize your fallout as entirely your fault, while Ms. Meniscus is doubtful. You note that you sacrificed your Belgian frites, French Kir Royale, and Italian sopressatta in order to be with your beau. The way you phrase this sacrifice is even more interesting; "we became engaged as a consequence." It seems as if you had some misgivings concerning straying from your own path. Though another's (i.e. his) path might be that of least resistance, perhaps it is for the best that this break occurred. If he is able to turn off his emotions so quickly and not look back, does that not articulate his emotional investment in the relationship? You deserve someone who cares--a heck of a lot more than this spud!

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I have been with the same guy on and off for over 41 1/2 years. Now we have the ability to get married but now he doesn't want to get married. His health was poor, but the minute it improves he went with another woman, they had to break up, but how do I know they broke up? They still talk on the phone and she drops by to pick things up. Now if he was truly over this woman and wanted to be sure I would take him back then why would he jeopardize losing me by keeping in touch with the woman he had an affair with? He said he has not intensions of not talking to her or having her drop by to talk a few minutes. I am supposed to trust him; this is after he lied to my face when I had the cold hard facts which he couldn't deny!!!!! Now he says he loves me, but would rather stay home on a Friday night to see a football game rather than be with me. Now how can he say "I love you" yet want to stay home to watch a game? He only has two more weeks home before he goes away a week and then if all goes well he will be away three months!!!!! Physically he might not make the procedure, so with that in mind, shouldn't he want to spend every day with her because his life if in the balances?? Is this love he feels, he constantly says, " I Love You", when we see each other, when we talk on the phone and on any correspondence, So why would he rather be home than spending time with me???

-Clockwork Football

Dear Clockwork Football,

Well, you would think that 41.5 years would give you squatter's rights or something of that nature. But alas, the human mind is far more temporal than the architectural structure. If you stood by your man whilst his health was poor and he responded by breaking things off with you to pursue a relationship with another woman, and then followed that stellar pursuit with his preference for football over your company, then Ms. Meniscus believes you've answered your own query. For whatever reason, this man chooses to lie and prefers to spend his time in other fashions. If his life is indeed in the balance concerning this medical procedure, then it is his right now more than ever how to spend his time and with whom. If it is his choice to watch a football game, then so be it.

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