one fish two fish blue fish new fish

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

My boyfriend and I were dating for 2 years and everything was going ok until he told me he had slept with more people then he had told me in the beginning of our relationship. And the reason why was because I was a virgin and he thought I would just judge him. He told me he only slept with 2 people both being virgins because I knew them and they were, so I slept with him with protection but got an STD anyways. Great my doctor said, since he was my first, but it was curable. 1 year goes by and he tells me he slept with 1 more and then I find out he did oral with 3 other girls, all before we were dating at least. I was so mad because how could someone lie for so long. So I lost trust, and met another guy. We kissed and had a little romance for a week while I was going out with my boyfriend. I wanted my boyfriend to fight for me and he didn't. After I kissed the guy I told my boyfriend the NEXT day.... And we broke up.... 3 days later he says I forgive you, let's go out. 1 week later he slept with a girl nasty girl who makes me look like a supermodel and his friends say the same, (what was he thinking.) And he then slept with me after,, when I could have gotten another STD. He DIDN'T TELL ME FOR A MONTH, WHILE WE WERE LIVING WITH EACHOTHER AT MY PARENTS HOUSE. He says he did it to get back at me, because all of his friends were calling him a loser when they found out he forgave me!!! NOW he is playing head games..... He only runs after me when I act like I'm completely over him. Or if he thinks I'm seeing or going to see someone else... and then when I show a little bit of interest he all of a sudden stops picking up his cell phone and avoids me.... I don't get it.

-Playing Games in Gary

Dear Playing Games in Gary,

Often in relationships the first issue to tackle is the when one's heart says one thing while one's brain says another. In your situation, however, it is not a matter of emotion vs. intellect but of health, pure and simple. This boyfriend of yours clearly has no regard for your health. He did not lie about something as straightforward as class, or stature, or even money, but about his sexual history, which as you now know had connotations far beyond your relationship. Fortunately for you the STD you got from sleeping with him was curable. What if it wasn't? What if he had a very serious STD? What if he had AIDS and did not convey that information? Your life would be in danger. As it is, it seems that the "relationship" with him revolves around lying and manipulation. It should not matter what his friends say or how "nasty" the girl is whom he chose to sleep with while dating you. The number of negatives here should tell you something! Ms. Meniscus advises you to walk far away from him and not look back. There are plenty of fish in the sea, fish that are worth one's time.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I am involved or better to say was involved in relations with a married man. He is not only married but he also works with me, which makes the situation even worse. Despite all the problems we were REALLY happy and one day he even said that he wants to leave his wife (they don't have kids). We discussed that million time: how we are going to live together, what he likes, what he doesn't, etc. And of course we promised each other to be honest and always tell the truth. This is where all problems have began. Once he asked me how many men have I had in my life? I must admit that being 31 young attractive, smart business woman and not married I had a lot of men in my life, don't even want to mention this number. But I was stupid enough to tell him the truth. And everything has changed. He is treating me now so badly that I didn't even know that he could be so rude and aggressive. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't want to leave me and keeps calling me, buys me flowers but the way he speaks with me is incredibly offensive. I tried to talk with him that my past is over and now I want to try a fresh start with him, etc. And he just says "OK, I got you" but nothing changes. What should I do? Will he ever forgive me? And almost forgot, he is going with his wife on vacation now! Please help.

-Writhing in Rich

Dear Writhing in Rich,

The first thing Ms. Meniscus noticed in reading your letter was that you noted, ''And of course we promised each other to be honest and always tell the truth.'' Was this man honest with his wife that he was cheating on her? Was he truly honest with you, in saying he was going to leave his wife and then not doing it? Moreover, the fact that he became offended upon learning the number of sexual partners you've had tells volumes. He is possessive and jealous of you when in the meantime he is married. Ms. Meniscus advises you to find a new fish, a fish that can be unequivocally and kindly yours.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

My ex-boyfriend has just left a very physically abusive relationship with his girlfriend (she hit him, and fought with him almost daily.) In a desperate act he called me and I have tried to be a friend to him, helped him by getting him help. He is seeing a therapist and has left the relationship of 10 months. I'm not in love with him and have told him I'm only here for now to help and that once he starts getting help, I want us to go back to leading separate lives. He agreed. The problem is that he loves this woman a great deal and misses her a lot and feels very sad and I'm sure wants to go back to her. I told him that what he does with his life is his business but to give himself time and distance and maybe he will find that he doesn't really need her after all. Well he blew up at me and started a fight with me by bringing up our past relationship and how I hurt him by leaving him and moving away from him and started brining up past petty fights. I felt attacked and told him I needed time to think and that I didn't want us to talk about the past. When I told him that he got sad and said he was sorry and that she fought with him and now he was picking a fight with me and that he doesn't want to fight with anyone. I don't know what to do or say to him. Why is he so mad at me for a past hurt like changing my life and moving on, in what I thought was a friendly parting of the ways, and yet he can easily forgive her for stabbing him and hitting him. He is confusing me and I feel I need to get away from him again. Please advise.

-Alliance in Alyssa

Dear Alliance in Alyssa,

Victims of abuse react in many different ways. A spectrum of emotions--anger, grief, passivity-- can result. It seems that your ex-boyfriend finds it easier to become angry at you for what is a common thing in life--a relationship that does not work out but ends amicably--rather than to express his fury or grief over having been physically abused. Please realize that he is probably not angry at you at all, but does not know how to act at this point and expresses frustration and pain with whoever is in front of him. It is wonderful that you are helping him, but that should not come at the cost of your own sanity. If you feel that you can help him recover from this horrible treatment without compromising your own life, that is one thing. If you become a casualty of his anger, then you are right that you need to distance yourself again. Only some fish can get along, and it might be that you and your ex-boyfriend are not compatible anymore given your respective histories.

Have a question for Ms. Meniscus? Submit it below. She looks forward to hearing from you!