The Parental Roadblock

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

I am 17 years old and my father doesn't trust me. I have never done anything to break his trust, but he continues to demand my passwords and check my e-mails and instant message conversations.

He always wants to know what I'm doing on my computer. I let him watch and he's never found anything bad, so I don't know why he doesn't give me any freedom. I'm hiding nothing from my him, so why doesn't he respect my privacy?

-Not Trusted

Dear Trusted,

It seems to me your father has more love for you than you'll ever know. It's difficult raising and protecting a child -- particularly from the dangers posed by internet scammers and predators. Foremost, I think your father is determined to keep you from falling trap to something ill-intentioned (i.e. handing out personal information, establishing a real-life meeting with someone potentially harmful, or divulging usernames and passwords).

You say nothing bad has happened -- and your father probably feels this is due, in part, to his constant surveillance. In his mind, you're not talking to drug dealers, setting up clandestine sexual encounters, or sharing your online banking information. If you were, he would have seen it. This comforts him.

On the other hand, if you strive to do well in school and work, and pull your weight equally around the household, sitting down and having a discussion about respect with your father may not be that difficult. Calmly ask him the same questions you asked me. Explain to him how you appreciate his concern, but feel disrespected by the lengths to which he goes. Discuss his concerns. See what happens.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

School is starting back again and I have a religion in which I can't wear pants. It's my parents' religion and people make fun of me. What should I do?

-Kindred Spirit

Dear Kindred,

First off, you do not have to put up with bullying of any kind -- whether it deals with your religion or your attire. Tell a teacher. Tell the dean. Tell your parents. Find someone with whom you're comfortable and talk to them about this. School can be stressful for many reasons, but bullying should never be one of them.

That said, I am so sorry for the unkind words others say to you. If only we could all be nice to one another! If there is any solace, take comfort in the fact that, as an American, you can hold any spiritual or religious convictions to be true. This is your Constitutional right, and no one can take that away from you.

As for the schoolyard taunts of classmates, I'm afraid most teenagers fail to think how deeply their words and actions hurt others. I ask you to be strong, young cherub, and rise above the jeering. Remember that life moves on far beyond high school. You must keep your head up to see which opportunities come your way.

One other concern: you say it's your "parents' religion," implying, perhaps, that it's not "yours." If you are struggling with your own spirituality, fear not -- most of us do! It is human nature. But that can also be adding to your stress.

Again, find someone you trust with whom you can talk: your parents, a school counselor or even a religious figurehead in your faith's hierarchy. You do not have to wage any of these struggles alone. And do not feel ill will toward your parents for sharing their beliefs with you: remember that they are trying to help you build a strong, moral center for yourself to guide you in life.

Dear Ms. Meniscus,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and I love him more today than ever. We want to get married and build a future together.

I told my mom and she is furious with me! I have a very strict, traditional Mexican family. The way I want to handle my future is not what they want. I'm 19 years old and have spent all my life being the perfect daughter.

I know marrying my boyfriend will make me the happiest girl in the world. But my mom and five older brothers see it differently. What do I do?

-Happy Yet Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

As with our friend Trusted above, instinct tells me your family members desperately want to protect you -- even if it means impeding your freedom to make choices for yourself. (The only girl with five older brothers -- of course they're protective!)

Nowadays, 19 may seem a terribly young age at which to get married. Most teenagers can't commit to an MP3 player, let alone a lifetime with another person. Three years is a substantial time for a young relationship -- but keep in mind that's exactly what it is: a union between two young souls. You and your boyfriend are embarking on a rapid growth period now in both of your lives: Will you go to school? Where will you work? How long will you work there? Will you have children? Where will you live?

Your mother knows just how difficult finding the answers to these questions can be. (Hello, six children.) Talk to her. Calmly sit down with her and discuss your feelings and plans. Address her concerns and find well-thought-out solutions. Do this as many times as is necessary to find some common understanding. I cannot guarantee she will bless the wedding anytime soon, but the dialogue you share will certainly help you to create a stronger, more secure, happier future all around.

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